Musings of an average girl

 As a woman in my mid-thirties, who is a feminist, a first born daughter of a first born daughter, who is opinionated and loudly so, (I am trying to say that I am all the things that Nigerian men claim they hate and yet the same Nigerian men won’t stop telling me to go and get married), who is someone who enjoys her own company until she suddenly decides that she is lonely….. there are times when I think that “hey, I should have a child!”. But then, the thought crosses my mind about how I would like for my child to grow up in a two parent household and learn strong family values. That thought is immediately followed by the fact that for the above to happen, I have to marry a man. And I am confronted with the concern of me questioning if I can love a man through his idiocy. Because, men take a lot of liberties. A man expects a woman to stay through his cheating, his dirtiness, his lack of compassion, his continuous sabotage of her advancement and of course his rudeness, his physical...

 Yours truly grew up in delta state. Growing up in a small town where everyone knew everyone, there were times when our parents told us that such and such festival was coming up, we shouldn’t step outside. There’s the Eni Festival. The ophia festival. The Oko festival. There’s the midaka festival. There’s the emete festival. I know their names but don’t know what they are about except the “ore emete” which is a festival that celebrates virgins, I never been out to the festival , I just know what it’s about. On festival days, we can be in our compound with our gate locked playing outside, no harm came to us. So, imagine my surprise when I heard of the Ozoro rape festival. I had always been taught that festival grounds were dangerous to young girls, I didn’t know that the danger could come into your house. Imagine men breaking to shops, hostels, houses in the name of festival. And this incident started throwing light on some things that the women around did on festival days that I di...

Yours truly is officially in her mid-thirties. It is an interesting time to say the least. While in my 20s, I read that a woman becomes more sensual and sexual in her 30s, it gets even higher in her 40s and only starts to decrease in her 50s. I started adding weight in my 30s and thought that somehow the heightened 30s had missed me. Boy, was I wrong! Delay is not denial, apparently! If you asked me about myself before now,I would describe myself as someone with ample self control. Other feelings that females my age say they struggle with, I couldn’t relate. Celibacy and abstinence wasn’t a challenge, it was a walk in the park. Now, a year of celibacy is a legit struggle! By the 12th month, the verse of bringing my flesh into submission becomes my mantra! By the 15th month, looking at the lips of a man I find remotely attractive becomes a struggle because yours truly starts imagining the same lips in areas that don’t glorify God! By the time we are reaching the 2 year mark, even the fi...

 I have always been taught to embrace the feelings that I get the privilege to feel. And while I haven't always practiced it wholly, in recent times, I have come to understand that it is indeed a privilege to feel. After going through a period of numbness, where I could never feel or get excited, a period where I was just going through the motions of going to work, coming home and repeating the same everyday, I am grateful to be able to smile with my heart and hurt in my gut and crush on someone. It's why I make bold to write about my crush because I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.  This writer is female and while this is not the article I would use to go off on a tirade to expose the micro and almost intangible ways that females are oppressed into silence and pretence by society, I will say this: Women are not encouraged to embrace feelings. Even natural, biological body motions are shamed if the body belongs to a woman. Even for things that are crucial for the co...

 So my crush went out drinking without me. And I honestly felt like a scorned woman. I should preface this by stating that I am the definition of a late bloomer. I started menstruating later than most, I was still flat chested in JSS3 and I didn't start dating until I was in the university. I wonder if that's why I am having a schoolgirl crush in my thirties when I never had one before.  I could never relate to pining after someone who does not like you. When my friends told me about the guy they saw in church and started crushing on, I could never understand it. I always say that I like people who like me. But my current crush doesn't like me. I like him. And I like him a lot. It's true that he is my type in every way except his skin colour: I typically like men who are darker than him.  But the crush is so massive, it's a struggle to stay afloat under the weight of it all. And so today he went out for drinks after work without me. I called to check in on where he ...

By the time I realised that I had added weight, I was already 100kg in size from 82kg. It happened rapidly, quickly. After so much of trying to reason out the weight gain, I resolved in my heart to start morning runs before work. The first week was hard. I always ran less than 10 minutes and came back home even though the allocated time was 30 minutes. In the following weeks, I tried to push myself to run further. That's when I met him. At first, he was just the hunky guy who always says hi when we passed each other. His voice was smooth, his tone measured. I liked it.  Since it was so early in the morning, I couldn't make out his face but the street light helped make out the outline of his body. But as weeks turned into months, and the solstice changed, we came into a time when by 6am, the sky was already so clear, that it was day. By then, I could see his face clearly. Also, we had introduced ourselves during one of these days. He had taken to running beside me that to an onl...

Sandra always made the right decisions. She was cautious and careful, always deliberate in all she does because her dad had taught her that life is a journey. The turns you take determines how you life ultimately ends up. So, she endeavoured that every turn that she made was the right one. But there was a time when Sandra made a wrong turn and it was a very critical turn as well. She remembered the beginning of that turn very clearly. She has had days where she wishes to go back on that decision.   It was one Friday evening after work. Sandra was exhausted. Work was especially stressful that day. With the launch of a new product that was coming up in a few weeks, Sandra and her team were working overtime to make sure the adverts and promotions were being developed as planned. They were also working on sending PR packages to invitees and influencers as well as preparing for the launch event itself. In truth, Sandra was drained. All she wanted was to get home, take a quick but v...

So, you have all been introduced to my current crush situation, I feel like I should give more context to this. While this is the first crush I have had in my thirties, I have had several others before hitting the 3rd floor. And there was one in particular that I want to talk about. My behaviour with my current crush situation has made me pause and think to remember how I usually behave with crushes. While I don't remember them in detail, this one stands out. I had a crush once, on a guy. He was tall, slim and flat. His frame was lean enough to be called thin but not thin enough to cause concern. His skin wasn't exactly the colour of chocolate, it was closer to that of the kind of creamed coffee a lactose intolerant person who was trying to push his luck would take. And as with all my crushes, he had a generous beard. Being a chatterbox, I am nearly always drawn to quiet people and he was no exception. He had full lips that were very defined, they were not the type that blended...

 There is a general consensus that the vast majority of Nigerian men are not romantic. If you are an heterosexual woman in Nigeria, anytime the conversation about the lack of romance from Nigerian men come up, you must have had at least one instance where one man retorts by saying what about all the things that men do before penetrative sex is if not romance, (in not so many words). And that leads us to the meat of this rambling article - the misconception of the average Nigerian man who thinks foreplay is romance and Romance is money if it means anything to them in the first place. When a Nigerian man tells you that he was 'romancing a woman's, 9 times out of 10, he is referring to the act of foreplay. When you mention flowers and cards and date nights, the average Nigerian man tells you that's spending money on frivolous things. They are always so quick to tell you that the average Nigerian lady will laugh at you for giving her flowers and fault you for not giving her mon...

 I am currently in my early thirties. I am in no way or form a teenage schoolgirl who has crushes. I have also never dated a colleague. I like my work life simple and straightforward without the strings and irrationality of feelings and emotions. But I currently have a crush on someone at work. Luckily, we are not in the same department. If I put in a little effort, I can go weeks without seeing him. Which will help with like I said before, "the strings and irrationality of feelings and emotions". But what was the first line of this paragraph? 'I ..... Have a crush....'. I have a crush on him, so I seek him out every time. I go to greet him in his office and say hi and look for silly excuses to see him repeatedly throughout the day. But something else that I decided to do in a bid to self preserve, is call everyone my crush, my love and so, everyone thinks I'm pulling their legs when I tell them I have a crush on them. But the issue with having a school girl crush...

 I have never been good at being cunning.  I was always the most unpretentious, unassuming person in a room. This has earned me more foes than allies. Notice I say allies not friends. The friends that I have are few and far between but they are true. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I like going through life wearing my heart on my sleeve but the world doesn't like that. It makes you the easy target. Everyone seem to want to take a dig at you knowing that you will always react honestly, openly. I have never been good at diplomacy, I started learning to be diplomatic especially in my words after secondary school and I can't say that I am good at it yet. I often say things too bluntly, too honestly and I'm usually too direct in my approach.  And because of all these, I have never been able to pretend to like someone I do not. My feelings are always so clearly visible on my face even when I manage to tamp down the words. I have always felt everything deeply. Loved de...

Women are strong, women are industrious, women are loving, women are nurturing, women are the embodiment of all that is good and great in the world. Even the most outstanding man was carried for 9 months in the womb by a woman, given birth to by a woman and raised by a woman. While men have brute strength, a woman's strength is her will! Women have strong wills. Mental Strength, the ability to endure physical and mental pain, and the act of self giving for the sake of children and family. The world try time and time again, like the persistent onslaught of a waterfall against a rock to break the woman and call her weak! And yet, the woman walks with her head high and until she opens her mouth to tell you the things she has survived, you would be under the mistaken assumption that she's never had a hard day in her life! Female Genital Mutilation went on for generations before it was abolished (still ongoing in some places) causing inexplicable pain to women for gen...

My heart is heavy! These killings in South Africa... My god! How can you chase a fellow human, hunting them like a hunter hunting rabbits?! And have the effrontery to video yourselves doing this evil?! And still tweet that our government can't do anything about it? And ain't that the truth?! After killing over 100 Nigerians, Buhari sent a delegate to register our 'displeasure'! Displeasure is when one Nigerian is killed by accident, not when they hunt us! Do Nigerian lives even matter? I can't find it in me to be angry with the South Africans, I can't find it in me to be angry with Buhari, I can't find the strength for anything. I am overcome with great pity for South Africa, pity for what White dominance has done to their psyche that they cannot face their oppressors but turn to fight their saviours. How can you say Nigerians are taking your wealth when 85% of your wealth is controlled by the whites who make up less than 9% of your overall population? Ho...

Fate and destiny It’s always been said that fate is a fickle mistress, as it changes sides all the time. It makes you question whether or not ‘fate’ even exists.  Destiny on the other hand is said to never change, and that its only delayed. In that sense is it a man’s fate to have his destiny delayed? Or he just did not work hard enough? As Africans we are always blaming fate, destiny, witches, wizards or a supernatural being for our woes or gains. If things go well, its our destiny, God has done us well, God has blessed the works of our hands. But in the event of things not working out, it is surely the hand work of witches, wizards, or bad fate. We never imagine that maybe, there were no works of hands for God to bless, or that our attitude might be a contributor to the damnable fate. This isn’t a story, it’s just me musing. I’m wondering to what extent the fates affect our lives. How strong is destiny in the face of laziness and refusal to push forward?   How po...

THE MAN AND THE MAN IN THE PICTURE He was not the type you could refer to as short, but if you referred to him as that tall man, you get the side eye.   He had just managed to be tall enough to not be short, but not tall enough to be tall. He had a pleasant face, sculpted lips, cheekbones to die for, broad shoulders, powerful thighs, like he was really into sports and biceps that screamed to be felt. He was in that skin tone that was neither fair nor dark. He was not dark enough to be dark or chocolate, and yet not light enough to be fair. Now with these averages, average height, average skin color , it may have been easy to think that he was an average looking man. But he was saved with having very intense and expressive dark eyes that seemed to see into the innermost part of your soul. When he was angry, they inspired fear and when he was happy, when those eyes landed on you, they made one feel joyous for no apparent reason. Sex appeal dripped from his every pore, i...

CHANGED DREAMS There was a little settlement just by the roadside on your way to the oil city, with most of its occupants on the right side of the express way and only a few on the other side. It was a small town with than 30,000 persons.   A town where everybody knew everybody,   on death affected everybody and one birth was everyone’s joy. A close knit community with shared joys and sorrows. But Barbara was never satisfied with the small town life. The world is large and she couldn’t understand how she was to waste away her existence in a small town where nothing new happened. Every marriage ceremony was the same, every Sunday she saw the same faces except for the yuletide season when sons and daughters living in cities and outside the country came home. She wanted out, and she wanted it now! She felt suffocated. She went to university and came back home awaiting national service. As luck would have it, she was posted to one of the largest, busiest cities in th...

In recent times, this word, "Savage!", has become a part and parcel of our society. It seems the culture of respect and compassion is dead or at the very least, dying, giving rise to the culture of savagery. The social media while destroying geographical barriers seems to also destroy empathy and compassion. A successful lady posts a picture, captions it, "the taste of success" maybe, and someone comments, "is that why you are not married?". And others will laugh while hailing him to be a "Savage" and I wonder what happened to respect. What happened to thinking before speaking. We live in a society where people post pictures of their best and if they don't have it yet, they fake it. Infact, it has become normal to fake it until you make it. We are a generation of "slay queens" and "swag princes" exposing our inexpressibles on social media. It's fashionable and even commendable to expose your body. Indecent exposur...

Tracy felt the hairs on the nape of her neck stand on end. She couldn't shake off the feeling that she was being watched as she came back from work this evening. She looked around, and finding no one paying ant particular attention to her, resumed walking. Still the feeling lingered. She quickly took a turn bent around a corner and looked around. Sure enough, there was a figure, apparently male, walking towards her. He was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and a face cap. From the distance, it looked like he was wearing a jacket too . "What a weird combination", she thought, then felt the cold finger of fear trace her spine. This is Nigeria, in the evening, but Nigeria nonetheless. Who dresses like this in a country known for its hot weather? She resumed her walk, but at an accelerated pace. She didn't want to wait to find out if her​ fears were unfounded or not. She got home and managed to convince herself that she had let her imagination get ahead of her. Maybe he wasn...

I have been asked time and time again, why I write cringe-worthy/mushy romance/love stories. Hehehehe!! The reasons are quite simple. First, because I believe most love stories are mushy/cringe-worthy ---- when you take away the hustle and bustle, the friends opinion, the exes, the family interference and the economic situation. For instance, I know of a lady whose husband threatened to shoot the brother when he refused to support their intention to get married, when they were still dating. He said he would kill any family member who tried to deter them from getting married. That's cringe-worthy. It's love at it's most dramatic, most obsessive (most perfect if you ask me). I would stop at the wedding that everyone was forced to consent to, and not tell you that six years and two kids into the marriage, people are forced to ask if this is the same man who wanted to wipe out the world just to marry the wife, so that you can assume that they lived happily ever after. Second...

         Ikó-vwa- Bridesmaids          Òghene rûró- God has done it         Âgbádágbruru- incomprehensible                  *                 *                 * It was a time when girls married at fifteen or at the very least betrothed at that age. But, Oghenegoma had still not had her first mensural cycle at 18. Her sister, Oghenekevwe had started having periods since she was 14, two years ago. "What is wrong with me?" She thought. "There must be something I am not doing right." Her mother walked into the backyard only to find Goma lost in thought, the bitter leaf she was supposed to be washing,...