CRUSH CHRONICLES: Crushing in my thirties..

 I am currently in my early thirties. I am in no way or form a teenage schoolgirl who has crushes. I have also never dated a colleague. I like my work life simple and straightforward without the strings and irrationality of feelings and emotions.

But I currently have a crush on someone at work. Luckily, we are not in the same department. If I put in a little effort, I can go weeks without seeing him. Which will help with like I said before, "the strings and irrationality of feelings and emotions". But what was the first line of this paragraph? 'I ..... Have a crush....'. I have a crush on him, so I seek him out every time.

I go to greet him in his office and say hi and look for silly excuses to see him repeatedly throughout the day. But something else that I decided to do in a bid to self preserve, is call everyone my crush, my love and so, everyone thinks I'm pulling their legs when I tell them I have a crush on them.

But the issue with having a school girl crush in your thirties is that at your weakest, loneliest moments, you have grown up thoughts about this person.  Sometimes I look at his fingers and think of how they will feel against my skin. He says something with that smooth voice and I wonder what it would sound like laced with passion. Sometimes, I look at his face and I find myself drawn into a motion picture display of the expressions his face will have when he is in the throes of passion. And every time these thoughts sneak up on me, I am so ashamed of myself.

I feel shame because the object of my desire doesn't feel the same. He thinks I am a smart, hardworking and fat colleague. Definitely not his type!

And while I can say that I have no plans to act on these less than holy thoughts, they remind me that I am human and probably not as immune as I thought.

Before I had this crush, it had been many moons since anyone was able to hold my interest. And so, I am very thrilled to find that my 'heart' was not broken, that I can still fall for someone and I'm basking in this crush because it's assurance that I can still feel. And I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

So, it doesn't bother me much that I am fantasizing about a man who is unavailable to me, I am pleased to realize that I can still fantasize about a man at all. I am just happy to fantasize because I have no intention to follow through, a waste of time it would be and a  disillusionment process. So no, it's safe as long as it's me alone in this dance.

Like I said, I would rather hurt, pining over a man who is not in the least bit interested in me, than feel nothing at all.

And yet everyone including the object of my fantasies believe that I am just teasing, because if it were true, I wouldn't say it so easily and so often......and I like it that way, because any sign of reciprocation from him will cause the bubble to shatter.