TO BE OR NOT TO BE…….

 As a woman in my mid-thirties, who is a feminist, a first born daughter of a first born daughter, who is opinionated and loudly so, (I am trying to say that I am all the things that Nigerian men claim they hate and yet the same Nigerian men won’t stop telling me to go and get married), who is someone who enjoys her own company until she suddenly decides that she is lonely….. there are times when I think that “hey, I should have a child!”.

But then, the thought crosses my mind about how I would like for my child to grow up in a two parent household and learn strong family values.

That thought is immediately followed by the fact that for the above to happen, I have to marry a man. And I am confronted with the concern of me questioning if I can love a man through his idiocy. Because, men take a lot of liberties. A man expects a woman to stay through his cheating, his dirtiness, his lack of compassion, his continuous sabotage of her advancement and of course his rudeness, his physical, verbal and psychological abuse. I am caught wondering if I can forgive any of those and stay in that marriage. I also grapple with the concern that even if I stay, will I still love him? Will I still love myself? Or will I have died inside and just be going through the motions?

And in that case, will my child have learnt love, family and exemplary values or would they have learnt pain and trauma that would need therapy? Would I have broken their souls and continued a pattern of trauma and brokenness when all I wanted was to love my child?

I wonder if I can adequately and confidently provide for my child, give them the best that life has to offer (which is relative) or if this pattern of survival will continue.

I wonder what pregnancy will do to my body. Will I get waist pain from pregnancy that does not go away? Will I get gestational diabetes? Will I get hives and breakouts? Will I get memory loss? Will I get bladder inconsistency? Will I get eye issues? Will I get high blood pressure from pregnancy? Will I survive delivery? Will I get a tear? Will I get post partum depression? Post partum anxiety? Post partum psychosis ? Will I get even fatter than I already am? 

Will the love of the husband I choose survive any and all of these challenges? Will I be myself after pregnancy?

To backpedal a little, will I find a man I like enough to marry? I haven’t so far…….

And if I don’t, and have a child by myself, will I be able to afford taking care of a child by myself? Will I be able to keep my child happy and away from trauma? Or will I let the challenge of making ends meet make me spill out my anger and frustration on my child?

Away from myself, will I be able to protect my child from societal judgement of being born to a single mother? Will I be able to protect my child from abuse? Harassment? Will I be able to protect my child from pedophiles? Will I be able to protect my child from substance abuse? From drugs? Will I be able to raise a child who is confident without being arrogant, self contained and self regulated? Will I be able to raise a well balanced child? By myself?! Will I be able to allow myself to be a safe space for my child? For them to know that mummy is all love and that they can always be vulnerable with me? Will I be able to convince my child that I am always a safe space for them?….. and not cross over to just being tolerant of each and every vice to engage in?

And then I end up wondering if I want a child for me or because society expects that of me? Do I want a husband? Or I just want society to see that I am married? Do I want a child or I want society to see that I am a mother?

And why am I letting society make me consider things that I do not think are necessary for me to live?

Are these thoughts even my own or a product of prolonged societal conditioning?

And if I choose to do nothing, am I sure that I am not going to regret it in the next 10 years?!

To be married or not to be?

To be a mother or not to be?

To submit to the dictates of society or to continue to choose the road less taken?

To be or not to be ……… as society has programmed me to be?!…..

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