Musings of an average girl

 I have always been taught to embrace the feelings that I get the privilege to feel. And while I haven't always practiced it wholly, in recent times, I have come to understand that it is indeed a privilege to feel. After going through a period of numbness, where I could never feel or get excited, a period where I was just going through the motions of going to work, coming home and repeating the same everyday, I am grateful to be able to smile with my heart and hurt in my gut and crush on someone. It's why I make bold to write about my crush because I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.  This writer is female and while this is not the article I would use to go off on a tirade to expose the micro and almost intangible ways that females are oppressed into silence and pretence by society, I will say this: Women are not encouraged to embrace feelings. Even natural, biological body motions are shamed if the body belongs to a woman. Even for things that are crucial for the co...

 So my crush went out drinking without me. And I honestly felt like a scorned woman. I should preface this by stating that I am the definition of a late bloomer. I started menstruating later than most, I was still flat chested in JSS3 and I didn't start dating until I was in the university. I wonder if that's why I am having a schoolgirl crush in my thirties when I never had one before.  I could never relate to pining after someone who does not like you. When my friends told me about the guy they saw in church and started crushing on, I could never understand it. I always say that I like people who like me. But my current crush doesn't like me. I like him. And I like him a lot. It's true that he is my type in every way except his skin colour: I typically like men who are darker than him.  But the crush is so massive, it's a struggle to stay afloat under the weight of it all. And so today he went out for drinks after work without me. I called to check in on where he ...

By the time I realised that I had added weight, I was already 100kg in size from 82kg. It happened rapidly, quickly. After so much of trying to reason out the weight gain, I resolved in my heart to start morning runs before work. The first week was hard. I always ran less than 10 minutes and came back home even though the allocated time was 30 minutes. In the following weeks, I tried to push myself to run further. That's when I met him. At first, he was just the hunky guy who always says hi when we passed each other. His voice was smooth, his tone measured. I liked it.  Since it was so early in the morning, I couldn't make out his face but the street light helped make out the outline of his body. But as weeks turned into months, and the solstice changed, we came into a time when by 6am, the sky was already so clear, that it was day. By then, I could see his face clearly. Also, we had introduced ourselves during one of these days. He had taken to running beside me that to an onl...

Sandra always made the right decisions. She was cautious and careful, always deliberate in all she does because her dad had taught her that life is a journey. The turns you take determines how you life ultimately ends up. So, she endeavoured that every turn that she made was the right one. But there was a time when Sandra made a wrong turn and it was a very critical turn as well. She remembered the beginning of that turn very clearly. She has had days where she wishes to go back on that decision.   It was one Friday evening after work. Sandra was exhausted. Work was especially stressful that day. With the launch of a new product that was coming up in a few weeks, Sandra and her team were working overtime to make sure the adverts and promotions were being developed as planned. They were also working on sending PR packages to invitees and influencers as well as preparing for the launch event itself. In truth, Sandra was drained. All she wanted was to get home, take a quick but v...

So, you have all been introduced to my current crush situation, I feel like I should give more context to this. While this is the first crush I have had in my thirties, I have had several others before hitting the 3rd floor. And there was one in particular that I want to talk about. My behaviour with my current crush situation has made me pause and think to remember how I usually behave with crushes. While I don't remember them in detail, this one stands out. I had a crush once, on a guy. He was tall, slim and flat. His frame was lean enough to be called thin but not thin enough to cause concern. His skin wasn't exactly the colour of chocolate, it was closer to that of the kind of creamed coffee a lactose intolerant person who was trying to push his luck would take. And as with all my crushes, he had a generous beard. Being a chatterbox, I am nearly always drawn to quiet people and he was no exception. He had full lips that were very defined, they were not the type that blended...

 There is a general consensus that the vast majority of Nigerian men are not romantic. If you are an heterosexual woman in Nigeria, anytime the conversation about the lack of romance from Nigerian men come up, you must have had at least one instance where one man retorts by saying what about all the things that men do before penetrative sex is if not romance, (in not so many words). And that leads us to the meat of this rambling article - the misconception of the average Nigerian man who thinks foreplay is romance and Romance is money if it means anything to them in the first place. When a Nigerian man tells you that he was 'romancing a woman's, 9 times out of 10, he is referring to the act of foreplay. When you mention flowers and cards and date nights, the average Nigerian man tells you that's spending money on frivolous things. They are always so quick to tell you that the average Nigerian lady will laugh at you for giving her flowers and fault you for not giving her mon...

 I am currently in my early thirties. I am in no way or form a teenage schoolgirl who has crushes. I have also never dated a colleague. I like my work life simple and straightforward without the strings and irrationality of feelings and emotions. But I currently have a crush on someone at work. Luckily, we are not in the same department. If I put in a little effort, I can go weeks without seeing him. Which will help with like I said before, "the strings and irrationality of feelings and emotions". But what was the first line of this paragraph? 'I ..... Have a crush....'. I have a crush on him, so I seek him out every time. I go to greet him in his office and say hi and look for silly excuses to see him repeatedly throughout the day. But something else that I decided to do in a bid to self preserve, is call everyone my crush, my love and so, everyone thinks I'm pulling their legs when I tell them I have a crush on them. But the issue with having a school girl crush...

 I have never been good at being cunning.  I was always the most unpretentious, unassuming person in a room. This has earned me more foes than allies. Notice I say allies not friends. The friends that I have are few and far between but they are true. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I like going through life wearing my heart on my sleeve but the world doesn't like that. It makes you the easy target. Everyone seem to want to take a dig at you knowing that you will always react honestly, openly. I have never been good at diplomacy, I started learning to be diplomatic especially in my words after secondary school and I can't say that I am good at it yet. I often say things too bluntly, too honestly and I'm usually too direct in my approach.  And because of all these, I have never been able to pretend to like someone I do not. My feelings are always so clearly visible on my face even when I manage to tamp down the words. I have always felt everything deeply. Loved de...