What is it?

I'm thinking. . . . . "You are quiet, not at all like me, it would appear that your sense of humor is dead. You are not gorgeously good looking, earth shatteringly handsome or unequivocally cute. You lack the self assuredness and confidence that others exude. I doubt you would know what to do with me if i indeed give you me (not that you've asked)". . . . .
I feel myself getting angry,. . . at myself..... "I am not this girl, i do not pine for a man, reverse is always the case, because i am beautiful and smart, with a heart stopping smile that is contagious,........ So, what is it?!..... What is it about you that makes me want to throw caution to the wind? What is it about you that makes me want to dance in the rain even if i catch my death of cold? What is it about you that sends my heart into overdrive every time i hear your voice or see your smile? That cute one sided smile, that's a little more than a slight lifting of your lips? Oh, and when that happens, my heart picks up, pumping blood to every erogenous zone in my body and even others that were not but just wants to join the party?...
I am more than this!  This one sided infatuation must stop, it won't and can't continue"........
I give myself this prep talk and go to bed praying it works not in any way like the previous one thousand prep talks before it......
Its morning, i wake up feeling strong and confident! The prep talk worked! Its finally over! The constant pain in my chest that i love and hate is gone, over! I smile. ......
At work, i run into you at the foot of the stairs, outside the building, "hey, you," you say, and you smile at me. . . . . . .  And the party begins!......
Prep talk failure!!!
My anger is swift and directed at my self, but i lash out anyways,
"what! What is it?!"
You stand, staring at me in shock, as i storm up the stairs, adding in my mind, "about you?"..........